Open Your Hands
Written By: Margie Davis
Many years ago, I was asked to lead a workshop/breakout session at the annual Women’s Retreat at our church. I was the church secretary at that time and the wife of one of our pastors, so there was the expectation that I would say “yes.”
To say that I felt unqualified to lead such a group is an understatement. I felt that I couldn’t possibly have anything of worth to say to these women whom I believed were most certainly stronger in their faith than I was!
I was torn between the expectation that I WOULD speak and my fear that I had nothing TO speak! So, when Josh Cadwell asked us this Sunday if we had ever experienced a fear of being “found out,” I certainly could raise my hand on this incident alone! I was a pastor’s wife who didn’t “belong” to that title. Previously married and divorced, I didn’t fit the mold at all! I carried a lot of shame, even though I had tried everything imaginable to save that former marriage. One of the other pastor’s wives would regularly refer to me as a “divorcee” and remind me how fortunate I was to attend a church who would “allow me” to serve. She just didn’t realize how the title of “divorcee” was messing with my self-worth. That title was running as a scroll through my mind as I reluctantly agreed to speak at that retreat. And running right behind it was the title “unworthy.”
So, I prepared as hard as I knew how. I wrote out every word and had a 1-hour workshop practically memorized. I planned audience participation, cue cards and funny anecdotes. I was as ready as I was going to be. And you better believe that I was praying fervently that God would simply use me!
As the weekend approached, I learned that my mentor, Clydella Holzbauer would be our keynote speaker for all our main sessions. I was thrilled!! Her influence on my spiritual walk was pivotal and was a huge part of the testimony I was going to share!
As there were several workshops to choose from each session, I never dreamed she would come to mine! After all, there were some HOLY women leading the other workshops! I honestly believed my session would have low attendance and I was more than ok with that! Imagine my abject terror when the room I was to speak in became so full that more chairs had to be carried in, and one of them was for Clydella! There was my spiritual hero sitting right in front of me! I felt the sweat forming on the back of my neck, my armpits and the very palms of my hands. Flight or fight begin to kick in and I felt my jaw clench, my knees shake, and my sweaty palms ball up into fists. And then I felt the presence of God saying, “open your hands…use what I give you.”
To this day, I’m not sure what happened. I only know that as I looked at the faces of these precious women there were tears flowing down many cheeks! God was using a fake,
unworthy, shame filled woman like me to speak healing that day. I couldn’t take a single ounce of credit for that. There were women I looked up to as spiritual giants later tell me that their hearts were changed! I know MINE was!
This event in my life has been a great encouragement to me whenever the enemy tries to remind me of my past and tries to convince me that I don’t belong and have no business serving in the church. 2 Corinthians 5:17 states “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!”
The next time that pastor’s wife referred to me as a “divorcee” I was able to respond with joy that “divorcee” was not my title any longer! I was a happily married and forgiven new creation!
I believe that the key to being used by God has nothing to do with our skewed view of ourselves or our past but instead is simply a willingness to just serve! Maybe your “serving hands” are all balled up into fists of fear, anger, or even un-repentant sin. Will you spread out those hands before God and sincerely ask Him to use your open hands for HIS purposes?
Trust me when I say, if the heavenly Father could use a sinful woman all those years ago the way He used ME, I KNOW He can use you too!
The next time God asks of you as He did of Isaiah (in Isa 6:8) “Whom shall I send?” Will you open your hands and simply say “Here am I. Send me!”